Consequences are just reality—I’m going to hold this nugget close. From my experience, deadlines = accountability = sometimes the only way I get the dreamy thing done. It’s a practice and I’m getting better, equally because I too am more comfortable with imperfection.
As a friend once told me “dumb, but done.”
Note: he was speaking about his PhD thesis from Yale.
I recognize many of the things you mention that many of us do. I also guess I was trained well in a lot of ways. For instance, my dad had me keeping track of my finances before I was out of hi school, using ledger paper, long before computers. I still use an accounting program that does a lot of the work for me, like entering regular bills 45 days before the are due, printing off my checks so all have to do is sign them. I have an escrow account for any bill that only comes once or a couple times a year, then automatically add to that account monthly to more than cover those bills. And I use savings accounts to accumulate funds for things like vacations, Christmas, or other similar things. I also learned to give myself a little extra time to get to appointments so that if something unusual happened I wouldn't be late. That doesn't always happen nowadays especially if there is more than me involved. But that tends to take the pressure off me when I can. Those are some of the habits I have. For sure I have tended to procrastinate on many things that are unusual and or nor so much fun. I got though collage not with fantastic grades, especially in some of the required courses, by knowing that I just had spent the time and learning how much time to give myself. Every week night after supper I was in the library until it closed to avoid being caught up in craziness that could happen in the Lodge where I lived. It worked; mostly. So those are some of the ways I have helped myself live with integrity guess. Now in retirement some of the pressure is off, but not all.
Asha, I look forward to your posts, even though I don't often make comments.
Oh gosh Asha. I can identify so much. The time struggle is real. I don't have a good sense of time passing or a solid awareness of reasonable standards for how long it takes me to do something. I am finally better about getting to work or other outside commitments on time, but I still struggle so much with staying true to commitments to myself, such as getting to bed on time, setting limits with phone/device use, saying "no" or "yes, but later" to others, and so forth. I'm fairly well organized and disciplined at work, but too often lax and loosey-goosey at home. I hate being early or running late. I feel guilty for taking care of myself and resent taking care of others when I'm tired, busy, or run down. It's a whole thing, and I'm not in my 20s or even my 40s anymore. I have to get ahold of myself and do right for myself, or I'll be useless to self and others. It's not funny anymore.
Aw, Holly! There's a lot to unpack here, but I would encourage you to prioritize both taking care of yourself (first and foremost) and being kind to yourself. When I'm not taking care of myself and, at the same time, being unkind to myself it's very hard for me to be genuinely kind to others. Stewing with resentment (that I've created ultimately by my priorities being out of whack) is very hard on my soul.
Thank you, Asha. I recognized I was riding myself pretty hard but figured this was a safe place to share the mess as well as the message 💕 I was pretty spaced out today from a consistent lack of good sleep and disappointed in myself for perpetuating this method of dissociation now that I have given up my main vice, which is was and always shall be compulsive eating. I was reminded elsewhere tonight that self abuse and neglect and negative world view can be about as addictive or habit forming (or formed?) as substances. And I was panicking about possibly missing out on a job opportunity that I can't see putting myself up for if I can't trust myself to get to bed on time. But I can change my perspective and allow myself grace to be a human being and human becoming instead of a freaking performative robot or useless pile of neuroses. I can breathe and accept that my best is good enough for today, and usually better than I think it is, and stop trying to push the river. I want to adore my inner kids as much as you do yours and to remember that I am always already loved. Progress not perfection is my spiritual goal and human inheritance ✨️
This is a lovely reflection and prompt (and photo!). I was diagnosed with adhd as an adult and it’s allowed me to reframe my relationship to time — rather than with time, as I think we’re kind of estranged — as a work in progress rather than a permanent failing. The diagnosis freed me to ask how I actually want to relate to time boundaries when, like you mention, the consequences are small enough to offer choice. It’s been so enlightening to learn some basic time management skills despite the fact that my felt awareness of clock time, ability to estimate how long things take, and prospective memory are all terrible!
I so appreciate this phrasing: "my felt awareness of clock time, ability to estimate how long things take, and prospective memory." My kids and my ex-husband all have some degree of ADHD and it's taken me a long time to understand that their felt awareness of clock time and their ability to estimate how long things take is different than mine. I forget to do things or lose track of them, but I don't struggle with how long things take. But my kids, particularly my youngest, announces they just need to do "this one thing" right when it's time to leave the house even though they've been doing nothing for hours, and then we are inevitably late. I'm philosophical about it now, but it used to drive me nuts. :p It's good for me to remember that we're all working on our relationship to time in our own ways.
I was/am that kid, and my oldest is, too. Still trying to be philosophical about it! 😆 I think of it as the unregulated side of the “pressure-seeking” you mentioned - the impending house-leaving, or whatever it is, makes everything more urgent because I really couldn’t feel time passing before that moment.
I am definitely a "pressure-junkie" too! It has definitely gotten easier (less emotional) to get things done mostly on time and stay organized with most things. Thank goodness for aging, in this regard. I still pay the "stupid tax" sometimes with a late fee, but it's a rarity. Admittedly, google calendar reminders has been a huge help since going paperless, in an effort to save some trees from becoming bills. While I still manage to run about 15 minutes late to nearly all things, I will always keep a commitment once I make it.
Consequences are just reality—I’m going to hold this nugget close. From my experience, deadlines = accountability = sometimes the only way I get the dreamy thing done. It’s a practice and I’m getting better, equally because I too am more comfortable with imperfection.
As a friend once told me “dumb, but done.”
Note: he was speaking about his PhD thesis from Yale.
I recognize many of the things you mention that many of us do. I also guess I was trained well in a lot of ways. For instance, my dad had me keeping track of my finances before I was out of hi school, using ledger paper, long before computers. I still use an accounting program that does a lot of the work for me, like entering regular bills 45 days before the are due, printing off my checks so all have to do is sign them. I have an escrow account for any bill that only comes once or a couple times a year, then automatically add to that account monthly to more than cover those bills. And I use savings accounts to accumulate funds for things like vacations, Christmas, or other similar things. I also learned to give myself a little extra time to get to appointments so that if something unusual happened I wouldn't be late. That doesn't always happen nowadays especially if there is more than me involved. But that tends to take the pressure off me when I can. Those are some of the habits I have. For sure I have tended to procrastinate on many things that are unusual and or nor so much fun. I got though collage not with fantastic grades, especially in some of the required courses, by knowing that I just had spent the time and learning how much time to give myself. Every week night after supper I was in the library until it closed to avoid being caught up in craziness that could happen in the Lodge where I lived. It worked; mostly. So those are some of the ways I have helped myself live with integrity guess. Now in retirement some of the pressure is off, but not all.
Asha, I look forward to your posts, even though I don't often make comments.
Oh gosh Asha. I can identify so much. The time struggle is real. I don't have a good sense of time passing or a solid awareness of reasonable standards for how long it takes me to do something. I am finally better about getting to work or other outside commitments on time, but I still struggle so much with staying true to commitments to myself, such as getting to bed on time, setting limits with phone/device use, saying "no" or "yes, but later" to others, and so forth. I'm fairly well organized and disciplined at work, but too often lax and loosey-goosey at home. I hate being early or running late. I feel guilty for taking care of myself and resent taking care of others when I'm tired, busy, or run down. It's a whole thing, and I'm not in my 20s or even my 40s anymore. I have to get ahold of myself and do right for myself, or I'll be useless to self and others. It's not funny anymore.
Aw, Holly! There's a lot to unpack here, but I would encourage you to prioritize both taking care of yourself (first and foremost) and being kind to yourself. When I'm not taking care of myself and, at the same time, being unkind to myself it's very hard for me to be genuinely kind to others. Stewing with resentment (that I've created ultimately by my priorities being out of whack) is very hard on my soul.
Thank you, Asha. I recognized I was riding myself pretty hard but figured this was a safe place to share the mess as well as the message 💕 I was pretty spaced out today from a consistent lack of good sleep and disappointed in myself for perpetuating this method of dissociation now that I have given up my main vice, which is was and always shall be compulsive eating. I was reminded elsewhere tonight that self abuse and neglect and negative world view can be about as addictive or habit forming (or formed?) as substances. And I was panicking about possibly missing out on a job opportunity that I can't see putting myself up for if I can't trust myself to get to bed on time. But I can change my perspective and allow myself grace to be a human being and human becoming instead of a freaking performative robot or useless pile of neuroses. I can breathe and accept that my best is good enough for today, and usually better than I think it is, and stop trying to push the river. I want to adore my inner kids as much as you do yours and to remember that I am always already loved. Progress not perfection is my spiritual goal and human inheritance ✨️
Beautifully, perfectly stated. Yes! ❤️
This is a lovely reflection and prompt (and photo!). I was diagnosed with adhd as an adult and it’s allowed me to reframe my relationship to time — rather than with time, as I think we’re kind of estranged — as a work in progress rather than a permanent failing. The diagnosis freed me to ask how I actually want to relate to time boundaries when, like you mention, the consequences are small enough to offer choice. It’s been so enlightening to learn some basic time management skills despite the fact that my felt awareness of clock time, ability to estimate how long things take, and prospective memory are all terrible!
I so appreciate this phrasing: "my felt awareness of clock time, ability to estimate how long things take, and prospective memory." My kids and my ex-husband all have some degree of ADHD and it's taken me a long time to understand that their felt awareness of clock time and their ability to estimate how long things take is different than mine. I forget to do things or lose track of them, but I don't struggle with how long things take. But my kids, particularly my youngest, announces they just need to do "this one thing" right when it's time to leave the house even though they've been doing nothing for hours, and then we are inevitably late. I'm philosophical about it now, but it used to drive me nuts. :p It's good for me to remember that we're all working on our relationship to time in our own ways.
I was/am that kid, and my oldest is, too. Still trying to be philosophical about it! 😆 I think of it as the unregulated side of the “pressure-seeking” you mentioned - the impending house-leaving, or whatever it is, makes everything more urgent because I really couldn’t feel time passing before that moment.
K, I feel seen and represented! Thank you!!! H
I am definitely a "pressure-junkie" too! It has definitely gotten easier (less emotional) to get things done mostly on time and stay organized with most things. Thank goodness for aging, in this regard. I still pay the "stupid tax" sometimes with a late fee, but it's a rarity. Admittedly, google calendar reminders has been a huge help since going paperless, in an effort to save some trees from becoming bills. While I still manage to run about 15 minutes late to nearly all things, I will always keep a commitment once I make it.
Digital calendar reminders are a godsend.