I have a question!
What is your emotional relationship to deadlines and time boundaries?
I say your emotional relationship because I don’t see the point in discussing whether or not we meet deadlines and adhere to time boundaries. I assume most of us do, whether we like it or not. What I’m more curious about is our experience of deadlines and time boundaries, specifically those set by others, because our emotional response to outside forces so often determines our ability to practice our integrity. Or, in the case of deadlines and time boundaries, to follow through on our commitments.
I’ve been thinking about all of this because I work at a university. It’s fascinating to me, watching students and recent graduates as they learn how to follow through on their commitments, meet deadlines, and confront consequences. Most of them do what needs doing in a quiet and unremarkable way. Some of them seem to really struggle with reading comprehension, but once they understand what is expected they do it with good grace. And a small cadre of them are so entitled or distracted or flakey or anxious that getting them to meet deadlines and expectations (which are just boundaries in sheep’s clothing) is like pulling teeth.
It’s equally fascinating to me watching my co-workers sometimes fumble through enforcing boundaries and consequences. Some are great at it. They communicate clearly, are reasonably flexible and sympathetic, and also don’t get drawn into students’ emotions (or parents’, but that’s a whole other conversation). Some of them went into student services because they are deeply empathetic people and in the face of student emotions and disorganization they just fold like an accordion. Part of managing the administrative realities of my job is managing their discomfort with student discomfort.
I have college-age children. So, I recognize the difficulties these students are facing, trying to learn how to be adults. Learning how to stay on top of your shit, meet external deadlines and expectations, do stuff you don’t really want to do, and manage your discomfort or resistance is a slog. I have tremendous sympathy for how hard it is.
It’s still hard at my age, honestly. I’ve never met a necessary task I wouldn’t happily procrastinate doing for as long as humanly possible, sometimes to the point of utter ridiculousness. I’m a pressure-junkie. I get emotional juice out of setting myself up to have to rush to any finish line. It’s also true that my inner teenager, who resents ever being told what to do (I mean, I have such deep-seated issues with authority I can’t even follow recipes.), is just still so present, and always will be.
She’s kind of a pain in the butt, but she’s also goofy and charming so I work on being kind to her. Those emo faces on my children? They come by them honestly.
Over time, though, despite my habitual procrastination and resistance, I’ve learned how to take care of business. When I don’t, I’ve paid what I think of as the “stupid tax” enough times that I don’t (mostly) get fussed about it anymore. Consequences are just reality. They’re not constructed to persecute me personally, nor does having to bear them say anything about my inherent worth as a human being.
Rejecting perfectionism and the shame that lives at its heart has changed my emotional response to external deadlines and expectations most significantly. There’s just too much to do and too much to keep track of for me to ever stay perfectly on top of everything. Dropping balls is inevitable. Torturing myself for it just adds unnecessary suffering, making me more resistant, and frankly, miserable.
Adulthood seems to be an endless learning about what is non-negotiable and where it’s possible to be my imperfect, perpetually distracted, and slightly disorganized self. Being clear on those boundaries, ironically, makes it easier for me to practice my integrity, showing up as my authentic self and fulfilling my commitments. What about you?
Consequences are just reality—I’m going to hold this nugget close. From my experience, deadlines = accountability = sometimes the only way I get the dreamy thing done. It’s a practice and I’m getting better, equally because I too am more comfortable with imperfection.
As a friend once told me “dumb, but done.”
Note: he was speaking about his PhD thesis from Yale.
I recognize many of the things you mention that many of us do. I also guess I was trained well in a lot of ways. For instance, my dad had me keeping track of my finances before I was out of hi school, using ledger paper, long before computers. I still use an accounting program that does a lot of the work for me, like entering regular bills 45 days before the are due, printing off my checks so all have to do is sign them. I have an escrow account for any bill that only comes once or a couple times a year, then automatically add to that account monthly to more than cover those bills. And I use savings accounts to accumulate funds for things like vacations, Christmas, or other similar things. I also learned to give myself a little extra time to get to appointments so that if something unusual happened I wouldn't be late. That doesn't always happen nowadays especially if there is more than me involved. But that tends to take the pressure off me when I can. Those are some of the habits I have. For sure I have tended to procrastinate on many things that are unusual and or nor so much fun. I got though collage not with fantastic grades, especially in some of the required courses, by knowing that I just had spent the time and learning how much time to give myself. Every week night after supper I was in the library until it closed to avoid being caught up in craziness that could happen in the Lodge where I lived. It worked; mostly. So those are some of the ways I have helped myself live with integrity guess. Now in retirement some of the pressure is off, but not all.
Asha, I look forward to your posts, even though I don't often make comments.