“Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books that are now written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer.” - Rainier Maria Rilke
A couple of weeks back I wrote about the agrarian sensibility. The anchor of that piece was an interview I linked to with Nick Offerman on the On Being podcast. There was piece of that interview that stuck with me but that I didn’t mention in that earlier newsletter. The host, Krista Tippett, eluded to the Rilke quote above and asked Nick what question he was living now.
I grew up as a Quaker, as many of you know, and we have a thing about questions. We call them queries, and they’re not meant to have an answer, necessarily. (Imagine being a kid who was raised with the idea that questions aren’t necessarily meant to have answers. It really explains so much about me.) Queries are meant to prompt reflection, to put us in a state of perpetual listening, which is a state of perpetual openness, assuming one is a good listener. (I wouldn’t say I always am. I would say I try.)
My daily life is stuffed to the gills at the moment. When things are this busy it’s easier to, let’s say, go a little easy on the integrity practice. Who’s got time for that? Returning, even briefly, to any means of open-ended reflection backs me out of the flurry of doing that seeks to consume me to a position with a little more perspective, a little wider view. I can get grounded there. I can remember what matters.
So, I’m hoping we can do some reflection together today, invite in some of those mysterious, unanswerable questions. Maybe get grounded as we head into the weekend. Because I need that, honestly. Maybe you do, too.
My question these days is, How do I hold it all with clear-eyed love?
My question has to do with our obligations to each other, to the generation before us, and the generation after. Where does the imperative to live our own lives collide with our obligations to others? What’s the difference between neglecting our needs and deemphasizing them (and ourselves) in the context of a larger world? Where is the line between self improvement and self involvement?
How do we find peace in the midst of all this chaos?
My life feels like it's in limbo, caught between fear and hope. There's this constant balancing act, trying to find stability in my relationship while the world seems to question our right to love. So, the big question for me right now isn't just about getting by. It's about how to truly live, how to hold onto love, and stay true to ourselves when everything around us feels so uncertain and often unkind.
It has to do with the shape of my next book, which, I am finding, is about the shape of me as a writer—finding words for the thing that is mine to share with the world. "A state of perpetual listening, which is a state of perpetual openness": so much yes!! This is very close to what I'm writing about right now. That Quaker approach is close to my heart.
Oh, Asha. This was a quote we found written in my mother’s hand on an index card, in her desk, when we gathered after her passing. Who knows when she wrote it, but it was so touching to find, to know that it meant enough to her to write down where she could see it. We put this quote in the handout for her Memorial Meeting. I now have it in a place of prominence on my own desk… and do often ponder it. Lately it does seem harder to consider things like this, with life seeming to fly by without any time for reflection…but it is perhaps the most important thing, to find that time for pondering & reflection, to make what little sense we can of our journey through the world…so, let me see… I am living into the question of whether or not my dreams are more, or less, attainable with a lifelong partner - and if so, is it the one I am with now? And also, what is my purpose in this life? And who is my true community as I live into that purpose? Thank you for your words, the reminder of this quote, and to ask us all about our questions. ❤️
What will the next stage of life be? Where will it be? What will my purpose in it be? How do I prepare for a future I can't yet know? How do I hold my life lightly enough to let it evolve into what it needs to be? How do I weather the coming losses? What are the best ways to love now?
Oh my, what perfect timing. I always love your writing. I am all tied up in the questions right now. Why am I a teacher? Where should I be teaching? Should I be teaching? What should I be teaching? So many things... So many things from my past are emerging in new and interesting ways. I know there is a message or maybe there isn't a message. As you know, I am the same age as you and I find myself wandering around wondering why I worry so much about all of this. Why can't I just accept that I am trying by best and doing the work? At any rate, I appreciate you so much. Always.
Thank you for opening the question with no expected answer. That saves me from banging my head against the wall. My question has been “am I learning the lessons I came into this lifetime to learn? What more do I need to learn?” Also, can I learn these lessons the easy way this time? Please? No answer really just living day to day the best I can that day.
Love the invitation to question without expecting an answer. What a wonderful framing and deep question. I’m deep in the mothering stage of life, what I call the ugly and sensible shoe stage, so I wonder how can we as a family live prophetically, truly live our values, when the culture and context of America feels so alien to me where kids kill other kids, and everyone starts medicating themselves and numbing their problems and the election and our government’s lack of backbone has me reeling … how can I stay here when the vitriol people feel for Muslims just gets more explicit? This place that was my home (New York city) no longer feels like home.. how can I support my parents as they age there? I cannot leave them but I also feel like I cannot stay here forever waiting for anything to change
I think I have a lot of questions, but the one that is most loudly pounding on the door, wanting to be let in, is “What will I do if I allow myself to truly hear, see and know what I know, and what if what I need to do is say ‘NO’ before I can say ‘YES’?” I feel like I am making choices right now based on what I don’t want, rather than what I do want. And that is actually helping me make good choices right now, but…how will I know what I am actually walking toward, rather than just knowing from what I am walking away?
This question came to my conscious awareness last weekend. How do I help my ancestors find forgiveness for each other so that I can live in peace and in my power inside.
As a biracial woman, holding oppresor and oppressed in the same body has created so much discord in my life. I learned one way to be with the discord for the first half of my life. Be white and pretend that my blackness does not exist. As a light skinned biracial woman that was easier than it is for many.
I carry many wounds from that way of being. I am learning a new way to be in the world that doesn’t cut off my other parts. In the learning I feel anger, resentment, and grief for all that I learned to suppress. Parts of me desire to annihilate my whiteness for the oppression it has willingly complicit in and benefited from. Parts of me are afraid that I could do it.
And, that is not my path to healing. The only way to heal this is for all of my parts to forgive themselves and each other. How to create space inside and out for this metabolization (is that even a word?) is the question I am living right now.
My question has to do with our obligations to each other, to the generation before us, and the generation after. Where does the imperative to live our own lives collide with our obligations to others? What’s the difference between neglecting our needs and deemphasizing them (and ourselves) in the context of a larger world? Where is the line between self improvement and self involvement?
How do we find peace in the midst of all this chaos?
My life feels like it's in limbo, caught between fear and hope. There's this constant balancing act, trying to find stability in my relationship while the world seems to question our right to love. So, the big question for me right now isn't just about getting by. It's about how to truly live, how to hold onto love, and stay true to ourselves when everything around us feels so uncertain and often unkind.
It has to do with the shape of my next book, which, I am finding, is about the shape of me as a writer—finding words for the thing that is mine to share with the world. "A state of perpetual listening, which is a state of perpetual openness": so much yes!! This is very close to what I'm writing about right now. That Quaker approach is close to my heart.
Oh, Asha. This was a quote we found written in my mother’s hand on an index card, in her desk, when we gathered after her passing. Who knows when she wrote it, but it was so touching to find, to know that it meant enough to her to write down where she could see it. We put this quote in the handout for her Memorial Meeting. I now have it in a place of prominence on my own desk… and do often ponder it. Lately it does seem harder to consider things like this, with life seeming to fly by without any time for reflection…but it is perhaps the most important thing, to find that time for pondering & reflection, to make what little sense we can of our journey through the world…so, let me see… I am living into the question of whether or not my dreams are more, or less, attainable with a lifelong partner - and if so, is it the one I am with now? And also, what is my purpose in this life? And who is my true community as I live into that purpose? Thank you for your words, the reminder of this quote, and to ask us all about our questions. ❤️
What will the next stage of life be? Where will it be? What will my purpose in it be? How do I prepare for a future I can't yet know? How do I hold my life lightly enough to let it evolve into what it needs to be? How do I weather the coming losses? What are the best ways to love now?
Oh my, what perfect timing. I always love your writing. I am all tied up in the questions right now. Why am I a teacher? Where should I be teaching? Should I be teaching? What should I be teaching? So many things... So many things from my past are emerging in new and interesting ways. I know there is a message or maybe there isn't a message. As you know, I am the same age as you and I find myself wandering around wondering why I worry so much about all of this. Why can't I just accept that I am trying by best and doing the work? At any rate, I appreciate you so much. Always.
Thank you for opening the question with no expected answer. That saves me from banging my head against the wall. My question has been “am I learning the lessons I came into this lifetime to learn? What more do I need to learn?” Also, can I learn these lessons the easy way this time? Please? No answer really just living day to day the best I can that day.
Love the invitation to question without expecting an answer. What a wonderful framing and deep question. I’m deep in the mothering stage of life, what I call the ugly and sensible shoe stage, so I wonder how can we as a family live prophetically, truly live our values, when the culture and context of America feels so alien to me where kids kill other kids, and everyone starts medicating themselves and numbing their problems and the election and our government’s lack of backbone has me reeling … how can I stay here when the vitriol people feel for Muslims just gets more explicit? This place that was my home (New York city) no longer feels like home.. how can I support my parents as they age there? I cannot leave them but I also feel like I cannot stay here forever waiting for anything to change
I think I have a lot of questions, but the one that is most loudly pounding on the door, wanting to be let in, is “What will I do if I allow myself to truly hear, see and know what I know, and what if what I need to do is say ‘NO’ before I can say ‘YES’?” I feel like I am making choices right now based on what I don’t want, rather than what I do want. And that is actually helping me make good choices right now, but…how will I know what I am actually walking toward, rather than just knowing from what I am walking away?
This question came to my conscious awareness last weekend. How do I help my ancestors find forgiveness for each other so that I can live in peace and in my power inside.
As a biracial woman, holding oppresor and oppressed in the same body has created so much discord in my life. I learned one way to be with the discord for the first half of my life. Be white and pretend that my blackness does not exist. As a light skinned biracial woman that was easier than it is for many.
I carry many wounds from that way of being. I am learning a new way to be in the world that doesn’t cut off my other parts. In the learning I feel anger, resentment, and grief for all that I learned to suppress. Parts of me desire to annihilate my whiteness for the oppression it has willingly complicit in and benefited from. Parts of me are afraid that I could do it.
And, that is not my path to healing. The only way to heal this is for all of my parts to forgive themselves and each other. How to create space inside and out for this metabolization (is that even a word?) is the question I am living right now.
One of my favorite meditations from one of my favorite poets 🧡