Loved this Asha ~ and interesting timing in relation to the noticings in my recent newsletter, and our continuing conversation in the comments over there...
In the “old administration” I was married to a man who would be come completely obsessed with a hobby (bread baking; origami; gardening; mandolin; i could go on) buy every book, perfect his skills and then in time drop the hobby and move onto whatever next shiny thing was that caught his attention. Friends would ask me how I could stand it, to which I would reply, “As long as I’m not a hobby he drops, I’m good.” It was only after we got divorced that I fully realized that I probably had never even risen to the level of being a hobby.
I was merely the container holding everything together.
Post-divorce, I think it was my time living alone (which I absolutely LOVED) that ultimately created the capacity for me to trust I could be complete and sufficient to myself, but also live with another human being.
I’m late replying because your response is so heartfelt and resonated so deeply for me. My ex-husband was similar in his pursuit of the next shiny thing-- hobbies, objects, women.
Like you, I felt like the job he expected of me was just to mind the container of our life together while he cycled in and out as suited him. It was only after we split and there was nothing remotely good left between us to distract from the bad that I realized that he didn’t just want me to mind the container but to dissolve into it, become it. He wasn’t interested in a container that wasn’t entirely about him.
I was single for five years after we split. Utterly celibate for three. It was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. My next choice of partner wasn’t great, but he was a step in the right direction. After we split, I didn’t wait long before starting to date again and it felt wrong. So, I ended it after only a few months. I hadn’t ended anything with anybody since I was 22 years old. Too desperate to find an outside container to leak into.
I don’t know if things with my current partner will stand the test of time, but I know this: he respects my time and autonomy and space, and I respect his. We’re both strong individuals with our own goals, interests, and other relationships and commitments that matter. And we’re both aware of the need to care for each other and the container of our relationship.
I wouldn’t be able to keep choosing this if I hadn’t taken all the time alone to get here and understand what a gift it is.
Asha, if we were to trace our relationship histories, then overlay one upon the other, the containers of our lives and all the lessons learned along the way would (almost) perfectly align.
i couldn’t have they relationship i have now, had I not gone go through all that came before.
Sometimes I consider myself to be a slow learner, or maybe its that I’m stubborn? There’s a whole lot of Taurus in my chart - like a lot a lot.... . ..but as always it’s progress not perfection.
"In a recent interview, and in her recent memoir, poet Maggie Smith talks about experiencing herself as a Russian nesting doll, a Matryoshka. Every iteration of herself she’s ever been is nestled inside of her. When I think about this need for containment, I imagine it similarly. We each are a set of nesting dolls of all the ages or iterations of ourselves we’ve ever been. But then we are contained within still more containers– family, community, job, friend group, religion, nation."
You are a wise woman, Asha. This piece really spoke to me and I will be sharing your wisdom. So glad you got to go on vacation! Sending you love this morning.
Excellent piece. Love the quote from Maggie Smith. And the 4 ingredients you list, I concur. Very much so.
Oklahoma has the highest rate of incarcerated women. The system is broken. The damage done to children, let alone the women, is deep. I appreciate the work you’ve done - for yourself and others.
Loved this Asha ~ and interesting timing in relation to the noticings in my recent newsletter, and our continuing conversation in the comments over there...
In the “old administration” I was married to a man who would be come completely obsessed with a hobby (bread baking; origami; gardening; mandolin; i could go on) buy every book, perfect his skills and then in time drop the hobby and move onto whatever next shiny thing was that caught his attention. Friends would ask me how I could stand it, to which I would reply, “As long as I’m not a hobby he drops, I’m good.” It was only after we got divorced that I fully realized that I probably had never even risen to the level of being a hobby.
I was merely the container holding everything together.
Post-divorce, I think it was my time living alone (which I absolutely LOVED) that ultimately created the capacity for me to trust I could be complete and sufficient to myself, but also live with another human being.
I’m late replying because your response is so heartfelt and resonated so deeply for me. My ex-husband was similar in his pursuit of the next shiny thing-- hobbies, objects, women.
Like you, I felt like the job he expected of me was just to mind the container of our life together while he cycled in and out as suited him. It was only after we split and there was nothing remotely good left between us to distract from the bad that I realized that he didn’t just want me to mind the container but to dissolve into it, become it. He wasn’t interested in a container that wasn’t entirely about him.
I was single for five years after we split. Utterly celibate for three. It was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. My next choice of partner wasn’t great, but he was a step in the right direction. After we split, I didn’t wait long before starting to date again and it felt wrong. So, I ended it after only a few months. I hadn’t ended anything with anybody since I was 22 years old. Too desperate to find an outside container to leak into.
I don’t know if things with my current partner will stand the test of time, but I know this: he respects my time and autonomy and space, and I respect his. We’re both strong individuals with our own goals, interests, and other relationships and commitments that matter. And we’re both aware of the need to care for each other and the container of our relationship.
I wouldn’t be able to keep choosing this if I hadn’t taken all the time alone to get here and understand what a gift it is.
Asha, if we were to trace our relationship histories, then overlay one upon the other, the containers of our lives and all the lessons learned along the way would (almost) perfectly align.
i couldn’t have they relationship i have now, had I not gone go through all that came before.
Sometimes I consider myself to be a slow learner, or maybe its that I’m stubborn? There’s a whole lot of Taurus in my chart - like a lot a lot.... . ..but as always it’s progress not perfection.
And practice, practice, practice.
Beautiful metaphor. Thank you.
"In a recent interview, and in her recent memoir, poet Maggie Smith talks about experiencing herself as a Russian nesting doll, a Matryoshka. Every iteration of herself she’s ever been is nestled inside of her. When I think about this need for containment, I imagine it similarly. We each are a set of nesting dolls of all the ages or iterations of ourselves we’ve ever been. But then we are contained within still more containers– family, community, job, friend group, religion, nation."
Thank *you*, Lorraine. ❤️
💕
Wonderful you. Your thoughts enrich my life, and the lives of those with whom I share them.
You are a wise woman, Asha. This piece really spoke to me and I will be sharing your wisdom. So glad you got to go on vacation! Sending you love this morning.
I’m a little choked up. Thank you, Linda. Love winging right back at you! ❤️
Excellent piece. Love the quote from Maggie Smith. And the 4 ingredients you list, I concur. Very much so.
Oklahoma has the highest rate of incarcerated women. The system is broken. The damage done to children, let alone the women, is deep. I appreciate the work you’ve done - for yourself and others.
Blessings
Thank you, Jan. ❤️
Lovely and thought provoking metaphor, indeed.
That’s great to hear. Thank you, Joan! ❤️