I resonate with how you feel about your upbringing. Growing up in a traditional Chinese family and raised by a perfectionist tiger mom, I was put under tremendous pressure to perform. This messes me up real good. I became conditioned to seed external validation to soothe my self hatred and low self esteem. I've lived in anxiety and depression without understanding why. At midlife, I had a breakdown and realized this way of living can't sustain me any longer. So I started to reparent myself to unhook from this kind of conditioning. I think your description of this high demand/guilting and shaming style of parenting is so precise. I commend you for parenting your children in a different way.
Have you read "The Drama of a Gifted Child"? It's a terrific book for those of us who were raised as a high achiever and "golden child," and are particularly sensitive to our parents' emotional needs. I highly recommend it. I look forward to reading your book review on the subject of ambition.
A really thought-provoking post (though I confess I momentarily misread it, as I am prone to do, and thought it was 'finding your herd', which I guess would be a rather different kind of piece 😊). Thank you! I benefitted from almost hilariously low parental expectation/pressure (or was it a ploy?). It kind of bemused me for a while. But now I see it as an expression of unconditional love and am grateful for it. So no excuses for my own screw-ups as a parent 😊).
Excellent! You chose to focus on exactly what matters with your kids! I look forward to the deep dive into ambition; something I've always struggled with, focusing on it's negative aspects as pushed in our culture versus the more positive aspects of working towards what we desire. XOX
I resonate with how you feel about your upbringing. Growing up in a traditional Chinese family and raised by a perfectionist tiger mom, I was put under tremendous pressure to perform. This messes me up real good. I became conditioned to seed external validation to soothe my self hatred and low self esteem. I've lived in anxiety and depression without understanding why. At midlife, I had a breakdown and realized this way of living can't sustain me any longer. So I started to reparent myself to unhook from this kind of conditioning. I think your description of this high demand/guilting and shaming style of parenting is so precise. I commend you for parenting your children in a different way.
Have you read "The Drama of a Gifted Child"? It's a terrific book for those of us who were raised as a high achiever and "golden child," and are particularly sensitive to our parents' emotional needs. I highly recommend it. I look forward to reading your book review on the subject of ambition.
I will definitely check out that book. Thank you for the recommendation!
You're welcome!
A really thought-provoking post (though I confess I momentarily misread it, as I am prone to do, and thought it was 'finding your herd', which I guess would be a rather different kind of piece 😊). Thank you! I benefitted from almost hilariously low parental expectation/pressure (or was it a ploy?). It kind of bemused me for a while. But now I see it as an expression of unconditional love and am grateful for it. So no excuses for my own screw-ups as a parent 😊).
Excellent! You chose to focus on exactly what matters with your kids! I look forward to the deep dive into ambition; something I've always struggled with, focusing on it's negative aspects as pushed in our culture versus the more positive aspects of working towards what we desire. XOX