Yes, you deserve it!

Introducing the First Annual, Totally Made-Up, Utterly Self-Defined and Self-Selected "Integrity Awards"!!!

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I wouldn’t say I hate Christmas. But I do deeply resent the holiday season.

Photo by jesse orrico on Unsplash

I mean, where I live— the Northern Hemisphere— the darkest it will ever be this year is in exactly two weeks, at the Winter Solstice. Everywhere in the world outside my door which is not a retail location is getting steadily darker, colder, and more still. Flashing lights, jangly music, manic cheer, and frantic shopping are the exact opposite of what I want to be confronted with at this point in the cycle. Instinctually and instead, I prefer to sit increasingly quietly in my chair under a blanket, drink tea, let the dark descend without turning on the lights and reflect on the preceding year.

Part of practicing my integrity is embracing this about myself and not signing on to any holiday celebrating that I can’t engage in with honest gladness. Resentment isn’t festive. So, I don’t watch holiday movies (except for the night we put up the tree). I don’t participate in gift or cookie exchanges, attend holiday parties, or send holiday cards. I avoid retail locations almost entirely. If I’m not at work, I mostly just stay home and try to be quiet and reflective.

I know, I know, that probably sounds grim, but it doesn’t have to be. Reflection can be both festive and playful. To that end, with an enthusiastic hat tip to the amazing Garrett Bucks over at The White Pages (whose idea I am blatantly appropriating and tweaking because it’s awesome), today we’re going to celebrate our first annual, totally made-up, utterly self-defined, and self-selected Integrity Awards 2023!!

That’s right! You practiced your integrity like a champ in the past year, I’m guessing. It was probably not always easy. It might have involved some mistakes. That’s okay. Mistakes are a feature, not a bug in the system. But I’m not gonna sit here in my comfy chair and ruminate on our mistakes, nor should you. Not today. Today I’m going to celebrate the stuff I did well. I hope you’ll join me by celebrating yourself, too.

Without further ado, I am awarding myself:

Parenting Young People With Aplomb: First Place Winner!

My kids are 20 and 16 and they are... a lot. A lot of refreshing perspective and inexplicable frustration. A lot of eye-rolling and dismissive attitude. A lot of late-night texts and sweet kisses as they head out the door. They make dumb, adolescent mistakes, resist help or counsel, and have emotions as big as, I don’t know, Jupiter? And I am managing to stay fairly even-keeled in the face of it all. To feel grateful for the little bit of daily time I have left with them. To not take them personally, and to keep the lines of communication W-I-D-E open. Sometimes this feels Herculean. Sisyphean, even. But it's some of the best parenting I've ever done. Huzzah!

Knew Better, Did Better: Gold Medal!

(No accolades awarded herein must follow any single ranking system. You can have every top honor you envision. All. Of. Them.)

Maya Angelou famously said, “Do the best you can until you know better. Then, when you know better, do better.” In the last year, there wasn’t a single thing I did that I knew better than to do, but did it anyway because of trauma, defiance, laziness, selfishness, or meanness. This isn’t to say I didn’t make mistakes; I absolutely and tee-totally did. But I took my time, and chose carefully to the best of my ability and understanding. I didn’t accumulate any additional regrets this last year, and I’m calling that a win. Yay for me!

Princess, No Pea: Platinum Cup!

Living in a body is hard, y’all. And it doesn’t get easier as you get older. But this year I finally found the aspect of my health I could focus on improving and protecting that didn’t involve self-punishment, which was sleep. I invested in the Oura Ring, an activity and sleep tracker. Then, slowly but surely, I changed many of the persistent habits that had dogged my heels for years but I couldn’t shake because I could see immediately how they affected the quality of my sleep. I quit drinking and smoking almost entirely. I quit mindlessly bingeing snacks in front of the tv late at night. I accepted that I prefer to sleep alone, need many pillows for propping and hugging, and am best served by an early, consistent bedtime. This means I am now a Morning Person (which I also had to work to accept because it really screws with my sense of transgressive identity). I went on HRT without shame or apology, because the first thing that perimenopause came for was my sleep. Having (barely) survived my children’s infancies I know already that a chronically exhausted Asha is a short-tempered, bitter, depressed, and anxious Asha. Know better, do better!

When I’m sleeping well it is infinitely easier to practice my integrity. I don’t make poor choices just because I’m exhausted and strung out. Who knew my body could feel like a home if I just got consistent, good quality rest?!? (Not me for the last 51 years.)

Now it’s your turn! GIVE. YOURSELF. ALL. THE. AWARDS.

Go! PLEASE!