Do you have a soul friend?
I’m not sure if the kind of friend I’m talking about is one we’re fated to find or not, as soulmate mythologies dictate. I am sure I don’t care. To me, a soul friend is someone who feeds and tends my soul, that place where what I would call my spirit—my essential, unique spark— meets the manifest reality of my life.
I have been lucky enough over the course of my life to have a small handful of soul friends— smart, creative, funny, insightful women, all— who have consistently held faith in the best of me and what I am capable of when I couldn’t for one reason or another. They have kept me company through any number of crises, and when necessary pushed me to stop screwing around, get out of my own way, and show up fully— for myself and for them.
They are absolutely indispensable to my integrity practice.
Mostly, our connections bring me deep satisfaction and a sense of belonging. Sometimes, like when they call me out for missing the mark somehow, the intensity of being seen so clearly is agonizing. It requires tremendous courage to be that naked and vulnerable with another person. I could say that the times that have been horrible are worth all the rest, but it doesn’t feel that way when it’s happening. It feels like I would gladly detonate every bridge just to escape their unwavering gaze. Though it wouldn’t work because, much to my chagrin in those moments, they don’t give up on me.
Whether or not there is any cosmic conspiracy involved in our coming together, there is certainly some luck. There’s nothing we can do, as far as I can tell, to make luck. But what we can do to call the people to us that will feed and tend our soul is to get clear on what we value and who we are. Or at the very least (in my case) be always on the road there.
When we know what we value (which is a reflection of what we love) then we recognize people who share those values. When we know who we are, how other people mirror or complement who we are is easier to discern.
In his newsletter earlier this week, Rob Brezsny described the difference between ego ambition and soul ambition. This is what he wrote (Thank you, Rob!):
When we talk about ambition and the drive for success and the pursuit of excellence, it is crucial to discriminate between the soul’s ambitions and the ego’s ambitions, between the soul’s drive for success and the ego’s drive, between the soul’s pursuit of excellence and the ego’s pursuit.
How does all that play out in you? Maybe your ego wants to own 10 million dollars and have a stunningly attentive lover and win awards for the work you do.
Your soul, on the other hand, may be less interested in that stuff. Your soul might want to create elegant environments, or heal the wounds you suffered in childhood, or get into a dynamic relationship that teaches you how to love. Your soul might want to conquer your fears or travel widely or develop a close connection with nature.
So here’s the thing: If you want to develop an indomitable drive to create the destiny you want, make sure it’s the destiny your soul yearns for. As long as you are obsessed with your ego’s goals, you may never be able to access the core fuel of your ambition.
There may, of course, be an overlap between the destiny your ego wants and the destiny your soul wants. If your soul wants to heal the wounds you suffered in childhood, such a longing could be compatible with your ego’s desire to be rich and famous. Maybe you could write a bestselling book about how you healed the wounds you suffered in childhood.
But the soul’s vision must be primary: your highest priority.
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In the case of my story, my ego longed to be a famous rock star, whereas my soul mostly just wanted to create and play and perform music. And I got what my soul wanted, but only got a part of what my ego wanted.
To be candid, I have come to believe that if my ego had gotten what it wanted—if I had become a famous rock star—it would have been harder for my soul to get what it wanted, which was simply to exult in making music.
Building off of Rob’s thoughts, there are also ego friends— those who feed our super comfortable and immediately gratifying ideas of ourselves and the world. Sometimes ego friends and soul friends overlap and sometimes they don’t, entirely. Whether one is more or less valuable than the other is less important, to me anyway, then the reality that as an introvert I have finite social energy. So, I have to think about where to put the energy I have to create the life I need.
This week a new soul friend revealed herself to me. Those of you who have been part of our community from the earliest days may remember Martha Randy. I did an interview with her about her gratitude practice way back in August of 2021.
Let Your Life Speak Interview: You Carry On Until It Carries You
For those of you who’ve come to the newsletter more recently, you may not know that I intended to do regular interviews with various people about their integrity practice. I did six great interviews in the first few months (find them in the archive! They’re really inspiring.). Then my life imploded and I didn’t have the energy to issue invitations and c…
Martha’s daily gratitude practice, now 5 years or so in the making, involves looking for beauty around her, documenting it via her incredible photography, and then reflecting on what she’s grateful for in both English and French. Because she is multilingual, lives in Montreal, has a French husband and French-speaking children, and is totally badass. Martha posts her gorgeous photographs and reflections nearly every single day on both Instagram and Facebook.
Every time she pops up in my feed, Martha calls me back to myself. Her forthright, earnest, good-hearted way of seeing reminds me time and again of who I want to be in the world. No matter the grief and horror of our current reality, life still also offers gifts to us. We’re still so lucky to be here. These truths are what ring in me like a bell every time I encounter Martha’s work.
We’d met only the once, via Zoom, but I knew already via Martha’s work that she was my kind of people. Still, there was some distance between us because we only interact virtually- on Facebook and here at the newsletter. Until this week, that is.
While visiting her parents, who live about an hour and a half away from me, Martha took an evening and came to Ithaca. As soon as she climbed out of the car in front of my house my heart…melted. I felt this rush of, Oh! There you are! I don’t believe in love at first sight, and of course this was not the first time I’ve “seen” Martha, but, still. That was the feeling. Just overwhelming homecoming for my soul.
We spent about five hours together— sitting on my catio, walking Cascadilla Gorge, wandering downtown to munch late dinner on a bench while a busker played Leonard Cohen— and would have happily kept going well into the night if we didn’t both have obligations that precluded an unplanned sleepover. We hatched a plan in the midst of talking, talking, talking to be each other’s creativity accountability partners. I’m going to help her transition her photography to an income-generating practice (because I ran businesses for years and am great with other people’s resources) and she’s going to edit my larger writing projects. (Did I mention that Martha is a professional editor?!?)
She’s actually willing to help me build a manuscript from the ground up, not just receive it in somewhat finished form and tinker with it then. This might be the greatest gift I can conceive of at this particular point of my life. Way better than boxes under the Christmas tree. And not what I ever expected simply from starting this newsletter.
Gratitude, indeed.
Who knows what might happen as a result, but I’m currently looking for submissions to the newsletter, to be published the second half of August. If you’re not a subscriber, why not become one and then send me something about your integrity practice? Essays, poems, photos, songs, and videos are all welcome. Submissions are due by July 31.
If you’re a paying subscriber, I’d also love to interview you for the newsletter, just like I did Martha. I can say from my experience doing several of them now that it’s a fruitful opportunity for reflection, and a great way to promote your work in the world, whatever that may be. You can email me separately or just reply to this email and we’ll set something up.
That’s it for today, my friends. I hope wherever you are, life is good and your soul friends surround you.
XO, Asha
there is something extraordinary about the friend who “gets” you and all the better when nurtures the other’s soul + creative practice.
so happy for you both 💛
And I’m back above your northern border again, all weepy and grateful for the way life brought us together like it did.