Let Your Life Speak Interview: Our Purpose Here Is To Learn And Grow

An interview with Katy Rugg, Herbalist

Hey, friends. We haven’t done an interview here at Let Your Life Speak in a good, long while, and it seemed about time. Katy Rugg is, among her many wonderful qualities, a paying subscriber to the newsletter. If you’d like to share your own reflections on living into your integrity, become a paying subscriber! I’d love to share your work and wisdom.

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Talking with Katy Rugg, Herbalist

all photos courtesy of Katy Rugg and Petal Palate

Katy Rugg is a native of Richmond, Virginia. She is currently in her final year of training as a clinical herbalist, blending her love of plants and flowers with a lifelong love of helping people live into their passions with joy and intention, and a broader perspective. The path to get here was long and windy, full of wonderful experiences in the world and fabulous people (and learning to overcome not a little self-doubt). She otherwise spends her time concocting delicious and beautiful food-medicine made with edible flowers and herbs, for her business Petal Palate ( www.petalpalate.com ).  One of her favorite things is long, deep conversations over tea.

Can you tell me who you are underneath all of your professional accomplishments, or perhaps as the foundation for all of them?

I would say that I’m part fairie. I’ve always felt really connected to the earth. That has grounded me a lot. I’ve also always been somebody who really enjoys meaningful, one-on-one conversations with people on what life is about and why we’re here. Deep, philosophical, heartfelt conversations have always been something I appreciated. I’ve also always valued experiential learning. The experience of being part of Quaker camp programs, the way that people came together in trusting community and what that meant for me as an individual. That was a really formative experience for me. It brought it all together. So, since then I’ve been somebody who finds spirit in nature. That’s led me to poetry, different experiences… and my yappy dog.

Another thing is that I’m a very intuitive person. As I’ve gotten older I’m trying to get better at listening to my intuition, because I’m also a very compassionate person, very empathetic – to the point where, especially in my younger years, I would intuit what people were wanting or needing and it could make it hard to know what I wanted. Right now in my life, my challenge is to recognize that as a positive thing, but also learn to better nurture my own voice and my connection to myself. To protect myself a little better. It’s hard to give yourself the time you need for yourself.

I’m finally living with somebody. I haven’t actually lived with a partner or anybody that I was dating, ever, until now. I think it was just, on some level, that I sensed that it was dangerous territory for me.

This is the thing that’s so funny. My understanding of what it means to get older is that I’m supposed to get better at understanding myself so that I can be clear with other people – these are my parameters, this is how I operate best – and then I’ve had several experiences as an older person where somehow my ability to say clearly what I needed at the time, or what I thought about something, was not met with appreciation or understanding. And I thought they were supposed to say, “That’s so great, Katy, that you’re so clear on what you want and need!” [chuckles]

What is a core belief you carry – about people, about relationships, or about the world – that you feel really shapes your life? How did you come to believe it?

I would say the Quaker idea that there’s something of God in everybody. I think my experience at Quaker camp especially, and being a camp counselor, was really about being part of a Quaker community in action which was living out all of those ideals. It remains one of my favorite community experiences in my life. I think it definitely showed me what was possible and it shaped a lot about how I approach the world and other people. But in regular society, you can’t do that as well because not everybody is on the same page. 

I’m sure that I’ve seemed naive to people. I have been a very trusting person in my life. But I always want to give people the benefit of the doubt and then see what they do with that. You’re gonna learn a lot from people, and it’s probably brought me some good experiences that I might not have had otherwise. It’s not easy, and there are definitely challenges. There are people I’m not sure how to approach with that in mind, but I still see the challenge of trying to do that as a worthwhile thing.

What helps you to live into this belief?

Definitely my compassion and my empathy. Most of the time people are doing the best they can with whatever they’ve been given so I try to look for a point of connection. How can I relate to this person? Honestly, it’s hardest with people I’m closest to. Like, my dad. He was a challenge for me sometimes. 

I don’t know if it has anything to do with this question, but one thing that’s been a real challenge as I’ve gotten older in my family is recognizing (because I was the youngest and the only girl of four children) how much gender played a role in my upbringing, which I really wasn’t conscious of when it was happening. But now I’m older and my father is no longer with us. I had some real challenges relating to him prior to his death. It was surprising to me to find how much gender was a factor. 

My own family has presented a lot of challenges that I didn’t anticipate. I do love them all, but navigating that…

What is it about the nature of the family relationship that makes that hard?

I think it has to do with the negative beliefs about myself that I now understand were shaped by them. Not necessarily maliciously or intentionally, but… So, with my dad it was hard to be strong in myself while I was confronting some of that messaging and not become that little girl again who was like, “No! Don’t talk to me like that!” in this juvenile, reactive way.

And then there are my brothers, especially because they’re older and I always looked up to them. Famously, a friend of my brother Will (who was always the most sardonic one), said, “You know, Will. Compared to the rest of the world you’re a really nice guy – but compared to the rest of your family, you’re an asshole!” [uproarious laughter]

And he was a really nice guy compared to the rest of the world, but he was definitely the most jerk-like growing up, compared to me and the rest of my siblings. It’s not like my brothers weren’t nice people or not nice guys, but they were still benefiting from this system that values male perspective more (and they didn’t really see it, or how it affected me).

What gets in your way of living into this core belief?

Two things. One, my own lack of confidence or belief in myself. Two, triggers. There are certain things that I find really difficult to handle. It’s more myself than other people that are challenging. At least, that’s how I feel about it.

A triggering thing for me, for instance, is people who are know-it-alls. I got a lot of that growing up from my siblings and my dad, so I find it easier to fall into an emotionally reactive place when dealing with someone who’s like that, because it just makes me mad, y’know? And if I’m in that place it’s harder for me to see beyond that to what else they have to say that I can hear. 

I think, like you, I had a hot temper when I was younger and I learned to suppress that, which isn’t healthy either. One of the things that I’ve learned as I’ve gotten older is that sometimes it can be really cathartic and helpful to stand up to somebody and to show them that emotion, that response. It can be a good thing, and that’s what I need. I need to have a little more Asha in me! [uproarious laughter]

But isn’t that really the thing? That we’re all trying to find that middle place? Those of us who are more confrontational are trying to calm down a bit and those of us who are less confrontational are trying to learn how to step up a little bit so we can all meet in a happier…

[Nods] …More truthful place. Without suppressing it or overdoing it.

What is the joy, satisfaction, or benefit for you in doing the work to live into this belief?

I think that people, in their hearts, would all be happier if we understood each other better. And I don’t think everyone has had that experience of having their mind opened to people who are different, and understanding that they’re still just people – and that there’s value in looking at a problem or a situation in a different way. Partly, to add to my response to the first question, something I’ve always been motivated by is helping to broaden people’s perspectives. I think there’s a lot of value in that.

I think a part of our purpose here is to learn and to grow, and that means we’re always going to have our own blinders on, but the more we can encourage those blinders to open up a little bit – the better for everybody. You might see solutions you would miss otherwise, or find better, more productive ways to collaborate. You’ll enjoy more that the world has to offer.

Thank you, Katy, for sharing yourself with us! What a gift!

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